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| Fear Leaving (Ghost Rider by Albert Szukalski, Rhyolite, Nevada), Steve Brown 2022 |
Except for those spectacular moments when I was in the now, focused on the beauty of the physical word, I have lived most of my life in fear. I called it shyness to remove it from what it was. However, that label is inaccurate. I definitely felt anxiety in social situations, but I felt anxiety almost constantly. The degree to which I have felt that is probably more intense than it is for others, but I'm certain it's not unique. Most people just are not to a place where they can admit they are terrified most of the time. But they are. You don't second guess what clothes you put on or think things inside your head that you're not willing to put out there in the real world except when fear is riding your back. I'm not there yet, but I'm pretty sure you don't even get offended once fear is no longer present. Hate, jealousy, hesitation, second guessing, not letting go, arguing, temper tantrums, shyness, timidness, boasting, keeping up appearances, classism, judgement: these are all symptoms of fear. And I don't know about everybody else, but I'm absolutely exhausted from carrying around fear all of the time. So, I'm walking away from it. I don't know if it will be easy or difficult. However, I have the sneaky suspicion that now that I've named it for what it is--absolute terror at losing everything brutally and unpredictably--leaving that old miserable friend Fear behind will be much easier than I think.
We'll see.
But easy or difficult, I'm doing it because spending most of my life in fear was absolutely insane. Ants, aardvarks, beetles, birds, butterflies, and on down the alphabet soup of creation, including humans--each living thing survives until it doesn't, and I'm profoundly convinced from reading and listening to hundreds of near-death experiences, that even death is just another move from one neighborhood to next. So, what good does fear do for anyone beyond helping them have the good sense not to step off a cliff? I'm done. Damnit. Done. Not with life. I'm going to open up spectacularly to that. But fear-- Bye-bye shithead. Take a hike.
I could look back at my life and try and find the source of that fear. But why? I could look back and count all of the experiences and opportunities I let fear steal from me. But why? I could believe that because fear has always been with me, it will continue to be for some time, that it will be extremely difficult to shake off. But why?
So, this is probably going to be the shortest, most profound chapter of this book. And I'm certain it will be life-altering. If only for me. And that's fine. All kindness begins with kindness to oneself. I am going to be kind enough to my self--this creation of God, along with mold and orangutangs--to no longer let fear suck joy from my days.
I may do it quietly, unnoticed. I may do it loudly, wearing bright colors. I may do it in a straight line and with even momentum. Or I may zig-zig, gun the gas, and slam on the breaks. Or all of the above, depending on the day. But, however I do it, I'm doing it to the best of my ability moving forward. Living in fear is an absolutely stupid way to spend even one day. Letting it consume your life is crazy beyond measure.
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