Saturday, November 9, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--41. Every Good Thought Has as Its Potential Reality.

The Canyon Mountains the Day after the Election, Steve Brown 2024

Trump has been elected a second time.  I believe hard times are soon to follow.  Our constitution may be shredded and democracy left dangling by a thin string.   His presidency will most assuredly spell heartache and terror for illegal immigrants here seeking refuge from the brutal realities they were born into and have had to raise their own families amidst.  Many will be sent back to worlds of poverty, rape and violence.  Christians here will watch it on their television screens either believing it is a righteous act implemented by a righteous man, or who will more likely think it's awful, but will ultimately not have the courage to believe in a God of miracles or a nation strong enough to support opening our home to so many people.  They will believe in an overcrowded inn that must close its doors.  These Christians will continue to go to church, to be friendly, to be generous with their donations, to be kind to neighbors, to spend a few weeks in foreign countries building houses for the poor.  They are, after all, good people, and will continue to be.  

However, there is some small, dense part of these good people that puts limits on God and places more faith in the material world than in their redeemer.  They think things like, we simply can't take in the whole world.  And they have two minds--their Sunday mind that believes in Christ and wants to do good, and their weekday mind who believes everyone is out to get their jobs, that there can only be so many winners, and that it's a dog-eat-dog world where only the strong survive and you better get yours now before it's taken.  These scream loudest that they are Christian because in their hearts they doubt the power of divine goodness, and they scream I am a Christian until their faces are red to silence the terror in their hearts that they are powerless in a brutal, unfair world.

And along has come a Savior to give all that fear a face and a name--Other--and to declare their desires: you are great, you are good.  All your problems are because of them--the other--and I am here to redeem you.

He is a false savior, an antichrist, who preaches fear and hate, the exact opposite of faith and love.  And they follow.  They follow a warped vision of the world that separates an "us" and demonizes "others," a world that believes in scarcity and limitations over abundance and infinite glory, that believes in fear and submission over faith and deliverance, and they ultimately believe in the susceptibility of the flesh over the power of the spirit.

The soul of a Trump-voter, like most of us, is a good person who doesn't have the faith to live in a world without fear and limitations, who gets aggressive towards science and facts and Darwinism because those reinforce what they fear (but will not recognize) at their core--that this is a world of scarcity and if they want to survive, someone else has got to be deprived, and they need a warrior to protect them.

I do not believe in such a world.  I believe in science and facts and evolution and take climate change seriously, but I also know those are small windows on an infinite reality that is ever-expanding with abundance, and that our knowledge and understanding of reality is miniscule but growing, that what we know today will pale in comparison to what we know in a decade.  I believe in an existence of free choice and agency, but one where God is good and grand enough to make every righteous desire come true eventually: a world where if enough people believe in equality and prosperity for everyone, there will be equality and prosperity for everyone; a world where if enough people believe in clear skies and clean water and carbon-neutral energy such a world will surely exist; a world where if enough people believe in love and understanding, such a world will evolve; a world where if enough people believe in education and facts and science and empowerment, it will be.

This world we are now collectively creating is the shadow world--the negative of our potential, and that man about to take the White House represents the darkness of our fears and faithlessness, and I cannot hate him because I know he is symbolic of the dark shadow of all of us, the antichrist in each of our own souls--the us that doubts the power of goodness and charity.  But I also know there is a light, and a God, and a connection with all living things that is observable and accessible right now, and it is unstoppable if we choose to believe every good thought has as its potential reality. 

And that is what I lean into now--belief in a nation open to all who seek its safety; belief in a nation courageous enough to tackle climate change; belief in a nation generous to assist each other through the tempests and droughts that happen in the meantime; belief in a nation that will ultimately choose democracy over dictators, and only serves one King--that gentle ruler of love, acceptance and charity, who cares more about what is in your heart than what you are burning down in his name.

Burning down love, burning down love.

What more?  In the name of.


Monday, November 4, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--40. California Coastal Cold, Part 2

Cold Near Cambria, April 11, 2022, Steve Brown

April 12, 2022

1.

Outside the tent, the world is cold and damp and the sky to the east is a light lemon blue.  To the south are some big, tall very leafy trees.  They are species common to California, one that I, being from the Intermountain West, do not know.  I know the Great Basin so well it almost is me, and I it.  Utah juniper, pinion, gamble oak, aspen, blue spruce.  Home is a place I can define well with words.  Here is not home, and yet it feels so oddly familiar, like I belong here perhaps even more than home.  The air is cold, but moist and sweet, and for once I can breathe because my sinuses aren't dried and caked with thin snot layered up thick like layers of old paint.  It feels good to take in air so freely.  

Yet, it is cold, and very damp; the grasses below my feet are bent over with dew.  I decide to walk west, towards the sound of the sea.  That too sounds like home, the constant pounding of the waves.  It is the most beautiful sound in all the world, even from a distance, and it sounds much different here on the West Coast than along the Gulf Coast.  In California waves thunder.  In Texas they pshhh, or something like that.  Even in a storm, waves in Texas are softer, more drawn out.  In California, they thunder almost always, one after another.  And to hear them and feel that air always seeking to congeal into deep fog is for me to feel at home like nowhere else even if I don't have the name for those incredibly tall, leafy trees south of me, now glazed with the first rays of light.

I walk towards a rail fence where the end of the continent meets the sky, hoping for a glimpse of those glorious waves crashing below.  I am cold, but I don't mind.  I know it's not true, but in the moment, I feel like I'd be happy to shiver deeply here forever just to hear that sound and breath this air.  To breath and to be.  That is the California coast to me.

Behind the rail fence there are scruffs of wet, ochre grasses, berry bushes, and then a drop down to the sea.  Here, the trail turns right and follows the fence-line up a steep hill.  I follow it, hoping for a better view--and direct sunlight.

That line of golden warmth has moved lower downslope somewhat, and I am able to rise up out of the shadow quickly.  The only issue is that with the increased elevation comes also the increased wind.  I immediately seek shelter in some windswept evergreens.  The only problem is that brings the shade again--but it is definitely warmer than that wind.  Hugging a tree, I glimpse west to sunlit whitecaps rolling in.  This is it.  When I just see and be, I am free.  I've always known that.  And yet, I let my days fill up with everything but that.

2. 

I follow the path back down again, away from the windswept slope.  The sun now blankets the wet, grassy expanse in gold, and away from the wind, I can feel the warmth of the sun through my coat.  The path curves inland away from the wooden fence and towards those big, tall leafy trees.  They are golden and glorious.  The bugs and butterflies are out.  And the birds, that have been up the entire time, have increased their chatter and activity.  In a way, each day has a spring, and a summer, and a fall, and a winter.  Four seasons in one day is actually the norm--we are just not in-tune enough to notice it and make the connection with that annual day we break into seasons.

I follow the path around almost to the parking lot where we unloaded our car for camp and find a trail to the sea.  It is actually a small road that cuts down through the hillside.   The banks are steep and covered with grasses and bushes and trees, and all at once I am again in damp shadow looking up at a glowing world of warmth just out of reach.  That constant folding roar increases as I get my first glimpse of the ocean again--this time nearly at eyelevel.  I pick up my pace.

And then the world opens up to the sand and the sea.  There is not another person here, and it feels primal, original.  I stand steady and amazed as again that wind hits me with a smell and force of life not to be taken lightly.

Faced with the unknowns of my kidney disease, I wonder if this will be the last time I will ever see this view.  

It is a quiet wonder, but a deep one.  Life has taken on a depth it never had before.  Each experience seems sacred as it might not have a repeat.

Ironically, facing what could be turn out to be a terminal illness, makes me feel alive at a level I've never felt before.  Fear is definitely there.  But that voice cannot even begin to compete with the quiet, thundering awareness that life is just so damn beautiful.

3.

We have found a picnic area on a low bluff above a beach by the sea, and we have stopped to have breakfast.  The wind is cold and horrendously harsh, and we have pulled out the bare minimum of what we need to get some hot oatmeal and hot chocolate into us.  The one-burner propane stove is hissing its blue flames, the sound going in waves, as the wind does its best to wipe that fire out.  I stand to the side and look out past the metal-pipe railing, down to the beach below and the onslaught of waves, which in this wind, break into fans of fine water-droplets, almost mist, catching the mid-morning sun.

As cold as it is--and it is oh so cold--there are a few scattered groups of people walking along the beach.  A family of three--way out there to the south--is unsuccessfully trying to get a red, orange and yellow kite up.  It swirls and crashes again and again.  Too much wind, which I'm sure they know, of course.  It would be impossible not to.  I wonder what drives them.  Fun?  Or just stupid inflexible determination?  I'm positive that if they succeed, they will lose that kite altogether.  

My reflection doesn't last long.  It is cold, oh so cold.  The water has finally boiled, and we begin our own war with the wind, trying to get the oatmeal out of the paper packet into the bowl and keep as many of the flakes in there as possible before quickly grabbing and pouring in the hot water to hold everything down in a thick glue.  And then it's the same process with the hot chocolate, a thin dust of dark powder carried off in the wind.

I eat the quickly-cooling paste and drink the hot beverage thinking "This is the coldest I've ever been."  The view is absolutely stunning but not glorious enough to keep us here.  We eat at a pace we've never eaten before, pack up any old way, and sigh with relief to be back in that car.

Yet, strangely, we are oh so alive.

That is what it is to experience that California coastal cold that I love so very much.  I'd gladly do it again and again. I'm not so much different than that crazy family trying to fly a kite in cold hurricane-force winds.  Some rituals are just more meaningful if they involve some brutal futility.  There is some part of us that feels alive fighting against all odds to accomplish something--even if that something is just getting oatmeal to stay in the bowl long enough for water to weigh it down or getting a kite up long enough for one to count to thirty before it crashes to pieces.  

Tuesday, October 15, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--39. Icarus at Play Above All That Routine Thought

Icarus at Play Above All That Routine Thought, Steve Brown 2024


It's a hard thing to leave any deeply routined life, even if you hate it.

--John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952

Your only obligation in life is to die.  Everything else is a choice.

 --Dr. Daniel Sanderson

1.  Abstract

Each thought is a living road, like a river, with a current, and a choice between two opposing directions.  Some use the currents of the mind to get them where they want to go; some just follow the river wherever it goes; most spin in circles, lost in confusion because they don't understand the depths and undercurrents of their own mind.  It is very easy to believe one thing on the surface and accomplish the complete opposite because of what the mind truly believes below.  Now is always a moment to dip that ore into the water and feel around and play with the turbulence of the mind.  Some use their thoughts to get them where they want to go.  Most get played by their thoughts instead.  For most of my life, I have been in that latter group.  I often still am.  But sometimes I am now willing to stop mid-thought and get to know the river, and in those rare moments, I can work with the movements of my mind to get me where I want to be at that specific moment.  As a result, the argument that would have occurred in the past with a loved one doesn't because I am able to step away from my routine emotions, those automatic responses to the same old triggers defined by labels I unconsciously accepted long ago. 

Most people think that their thoughts are who they are.  This probably partly comes from As a Man Thinketh.  Thoughts definitely influence your choices and thus your behaviors.  That is vital to recognize.  However, it is absurd to think that you are your thoughts.  If you are your thoughts, then who is thinking them?  Believing you are what you think gives all of the free will you currently possess away to your routine thoughts.  You live up to your labels:  I am impulsive.  I am lazy.  I have a bad temper.  I am an alcoholic.  I am an addict.  I am shy.  I am a shallow social butterfly.  I am a loner. 

We are not our mind.  Our thoughts influence us, but they are not us.  Our thoughts are the stories we believe and the stories we want to believe, but they are not us.  They are the endless, swirling currents of the mind, but there is a very real me paddling that turbulence, and there is also a very real reality below those currents that is the bedrock of the channel that God intends me to get to know.  

When I understand these things, not only the mind, but all of life, moves from being a force to battle or simply endure, to a rich world teaming with possibilities to swim around in and explore--full of danger, yes.  But also full of beauty and wonder!  Once we know that we are not our thoughts, we no longer have to become them.  We can discard the ones that pull us under and latch onto the ones that make us soar.  Our thoughts only control us because we falsely believe they are us.  

Believing you are a failure may make you behave like a failure, but it does not make you permanently one.  Believing you are a winner may make you behave like a winner, but it does not guarantee you will always be one.  Believing you are a sinner may make you behave like a sinner, but it doesn't make you irredeemably one.   Believing you are a saint may make you behave like a saint, but it doesn't solidify you forever as one.  If the saint can turn towards becoming a sinner, and the sinner can turn towards becoming a saint, clearly those things aren't fixed.  If the winner can have a life experience that causes them to doubt that success and throw away all they've gained, and if the loser can somehow pick themselves up by their bootstraps and become a winner, clearly those labels are not who those individuals really are.  They are simply descriptions of behaviors based on current beliefs.  But someone is behind those thoughts doing the believing and acting according to those beliefs.  Getting to know that someone is key.   Knowing who I am is a very different type of knowledge than knowing who others believe I am.  We get those two lenses mixed up all the time.  We accept the labels others put on us as if the labels are us.  We see us through other people's eyes not realizing there is a very real me behind my thoughts that actually knows who I am.  

Those who understand this can begin to explore the river that is their mind and use its currents to take them where they ultimately want to go, knowing that the mind is not simply a tool to be used, but that it ultimately can become an extension of who they really are.   When this happens, the battle turns to play, and enduring turns to adventure, which is a lot less odious than simply surviving to the end.

2.  Concrete

The other morning, while feeding the chickens, and thinking about what I'd written above, which was still fresh, I realized that the only thing I really desire at this point in my life is to be as comfortable around others as I am around myself.  I also realized that as much as I want that, I am actually terrified of letting my shyness go because I've let that label define my existence for so long that I can't conceive of my life without the quiet, screaming terror I feel in the company of others.  

Then, I realized that if I let that shyness go, I will be unstoppable because I will be a man without desire and will be totally free to just experience life on its own terms and help others the best I can.  Unlike many others, I don't need things, power, or prestige to be happy.   And I am now so comfortable with myself alone that I'm never lonely when alone.  In solitude, I almost cease to exist in the most wonderful way.  If I'm out there in the valley, I get so caught up in the light and taking pictures, I become that transparent eyeball Emerson talks about.  And if I'm out in the garden, I get so busy watching the bees, I forget there is a me holding the hose.  I have no ambition, no fear.  I have no desire for anything beyond now.

Out there, feeding the chickens that morning, it hit me:  if I can feel that free by myself, why surely it is just as possible to feel that free in a room of full of people or while saying "Hi" to someone while walking down the hall.

What has divided my life into two different realities has been one simple belief:  I am shy.  Shy people are comfortable in their own company and are terrified in the company of others.  That's just how it is.  Who says I am shy?    I have.  My parents have.  Anybody who has met me has.  But does the bedrock me, the I below those stupid, silly thoughts really believe that?  I don't think so.  In my dreams, I am always a rock star and always have been since I was a little kid, not because I want to be famous, but rather because there is a me who knows exactly what it feels like to be free from social anxiety--that I who desires me to drop all that shyness horseshit.  At night, free from doubt, I become who I'm meant to be.

Long, long ago, over twenty-eight years now, I drank way too much on a regular basis, but it was easy for me to stop both because I was lucky enough not to become chemically addicted and because I never believed I was an alcoholic.  I was man angry at God for making me shy.  I was trying to slowly kill myself because I didn't like my existence.  Once I got rid of the anger and started to enjoy life, I had no more desire to drink.  

Long ago, over twelve years now, I was addicted to pornography.  Because I was addicted that habit was a little harder to overcome than drinking, but with sincere prayer and the help of God, it was still a relatively easy behavior to stop because although I knew I was addicted to pornography, I never accepted the label of being a pervert.  I knew at my core that I was morally clean and had the same, normal, healthy sexual desires as everyone, and that I had just been foolish enough to let a thought-fungus use my brain as its host.  I became aware of this one night when the sexual thoughts running through my dreams were absolutely disgusting and not something I'd ever be interested in experiencing even as a pornography addict.  I knew then that some negative energy was trying to take over and force me into becoming who I am not.  However, because I never believed I actually was a pervert, I was able to get over that addiction fairly quickly once I was serious about extinguishing the behavior.  With the help of God, I was free within a few months.

But shyness, has been different.  I've been battling it since about the time I was twelve.  For short periods of my life, it became excruciatingly crippling.  There were a couple of years in college I basically talked to nobody other than a few friends.  The terror I felt around others was extremely painful.  I'd move to intentionally give me a fresh start, and for a while that would work, but then shyness would creep in again.  Things got a little better when I just accepted it and quit fighting it.

That goes back to what I said in the first paragraph.   It is very easy to believe one thing on the surface and accomplish the complete opposite because of what the mind truly believes below.  Because I had so identified myself with being shy, I was terrified of losing that part of myself, if I actually changed.  It had brought me a few good things.  I'm very comfortable in my own company, and although I don't have a lot of friends, the few I do have are very close to me.  My shyness gave me myself, my friends, my wife and my family.  Accepting that shyness as a force in my life was better than constantly battling it because I no longer hated God and myself for the anxiety I was feeling.   

But now I have the thought, Why even be shy?  Why not let it go and be as free all the time as I am right now in my own company?  Why live two different lives--the exhilaration of being alone and the terror of being in company?  Why not just be free?

I'm pretty sure in a short period of time that one thought will change everything.  Even if it doesn't, it's a very important thought to have.  Why be shy?  Why be anything you don't want to be?

Thoughts are to be used.  They are not who we are.  You can cling to them or let them go as needed.  The key is knowing what is it that you really want.

When you know your true direction, you will get there eventually.  It has to be.

I think the story of Icarus is an unfinished story.  It is a story told by those living in those houses below to justify being stuck in lives of simply enduring the routine to the end.  It is a story based on fear of change, a story based on a strict belief in limitations.  There probably is some fact to it.  Icarus probably flew too close to the sun.  He probably did something stupid and tried to soar midday to show off his skills to others.  Instead of drawing a crowd of enthusiasts for flight, for soaring beyond current known limits, he drew a crowd of doubters, of disdainers of glory, those who gleefully watched him crash to the earth and said, "I told you so; I knew that would happen; if God had wanted us to fly, he would have given us wings."  And then they went inside and shut their door, because that is exactly what a person driven by fear always does.  It is routine behavior.

So, the story they miss is that Icarus is up there flying now.    

3.  Now

Each moment provides the opportunity to name a fear, let it have its say.   Then instead of doing its bidding, choose to play.




  


  

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--38. California Coastal Cold, Part I

Manresa Uplands State Beach and Campgrounds, Steve Brown 2022

April 12, 2022 

After a bad tasting dinner at an overly priced restaurant on the Old Fisherman's Warf, we drove up the coast to Manresa Uplands State Beach and Campgrounds, which is unlike any campground I've ever been to.  It is well off California Highway 1, accessed by Buena Vista Drive, a narrow, curvy road that winds through a mixture of low, wooded hills, open farmland, and occasional small residential developments.  It was nearing sunset, the trunks of the oaks golden on one side and deep in purple-blue shadow on the other, but we were tired, and the road seemed to be going absolutely nowhere noteworthy.  After a while, I wondered if we'd gotten lost and started to get grumpy.  Marci assured me we were headed the way Google told us to go, but I didn't see how that could possibly get us to the beach. 

The way I'd always known the coast is as follows: there you are on Highway 1, literally hugging the coastline, the ocean crashing way down below you; the road curves inland slightly as you drop down to a valley of farms; and then the road curves out again to a small, beachside town, and a couple of state parks and campgrounds located right on the beach.   There's no getting off California 1 miles away from your campground and following winding, very worn, not-well-maintained road that seems to go nowhere.  Something must have gone wrong.

Though tired, the experience must have been deeply meaningful because I can still see the late afternoon sunlight on that shaggy landscape now.  I no longer know where on that road it is, but somewhere there is a building with a corrugated metal roof amongst some great trees that were throwing shadows across it, but then there were these patches of sunlight reflected back from the metal that just exploded between the shade.  It's these moments that always make the trip.  They seldom occur at the designated scenic spot.  They often happen at gas stations, rest areas, or while passing an old barn.  Usually, they involve light.  But not always.  They can be dismal, verdant green scenes sopped by endless rain.  But to me, they always stand out.  At such moments, I think to myself, I don't know what the purpose of other people's life is, but this is mine:  All I need to do in life is witness this.   

That is what the road trip is all about.   It's about what happens between the destinations.  I'm human.  I know if I didn't reach whatever destination I set out for, I'd become frustrated, and in that moment, I would most likely not be able to enjoy the journey.  And yet I also know from experience the most remarkable sights will occur when least expected--that tug of the heart that says, Yes, this is it.  I sometimes doubt the meaning of life could be so simple, and yet I know it to be true.  That doesn't mean that's the meaning for everyone though.  Who says we all agreed to this journey called life for the same reason.  I do think we all took this journey to learn to open up, to learn to love more fully, and to take in more light, feel more glory.  But who is to say how that glory is manifested is the same for each of us?  Someone else may feel that power through a hardball hitting a leather mitt; or feeling the perfect arch in their back as they go over a metal bar; or being stunned by countertop gleaming after a good scrubbing.   

I just know for me, when my eyes take in light, I am.  At this point, even if I lost my sight, that's what I'd keep doing because that light is forever burned into my being and will never leave.  Now that I've seen it, I no longer need sight to experience the California Coast.  No matter how glorious the next life is, I will remember this one forever because I'm simply blown away.  My religion talks about enduring to the end.  If I'm fully in the moment, there is no enduring--just awe of the rich tinfoil tapestry shook out before me sparking light every which way oh so gloriously.  

Today, on the highway home from work, out in the least attractive patch of desert in the entire valley, tiny stubbles of tumble weed that had been mowed repeatedly by the highway and stunted to almost nothing had turned that deep maroon they turn to in the fall shortly before dying. When there is beauty like that there, well the California coast is simply celestial in comparison.  When I die, all I want to do is thank God for making Earth so beautiful, and if those who have near-death experiences are correct, and Earth is indeed a dismal place compared to Heaven, well then, I don't need any rewards for attempting to live life right.  God can leave his mansion for the others.  I'll be content to spend the eternities looking at the new flowers.  Is there any more grand purpose for existing than to exist and be fully aware of it?

I think Hell is simply existing mostly unaware of what you've got because you're stuck inside your mind you can't get out of it.  Like everyone, I sometime place myself in hell through my thoughts.  But I'm in training, and by focusing my eye more frequently on now, I spend less and less time in the hell that is my mind, that hell of my own making.  

I want to see.  I want to be.  Always.

Well, usually.  I'm getting so I'm not so fond of the cold.  This was true even two and a half years ago.  And there is no cold like California coastal cold.  My brother tells a story about visiting the coast after we'd lived in a valley in northern Utah that frequently got down to -5 and once in a while -30.  We lived on a ranch, and because my brother and sister had to feed cows in that weather, they had coats made for it.  Once in February, my dad, who lived in Reno, took Lloyd to the coast.  Lloyd brought that big, green coat made for surviving in Alaska to Fort Bragg, California thinking he'd be toasty.  Oh, how wrong he was.  Just because the thermometer says it's 40 degrees doesn't make it so.  There is cold, and then there is California coastal cold.  It doesn't start until about fifty miles north of Morrow Bay, but north of there that cold is very real.  I've since been to the Oregon coast many times and its cold is nothing like the cold between Crescent City and Big Sur.  It's got to be the ocean currents, and it can be brutal.

We drove down this long park service road to the campground.  It took us fairly high up on a hill to some pale green mowed grasslands between big, broad oaks and other similar trees.  The sun had just set, and we pulled into the special parking lot that was for unloading only and had 30-minute parking.  As I opened the door, I could feel that cold closing in.  I grabbed my coat.  

We had a lot of camping gear, and neither of us were happy about the distance from the car to the tent site or how hard it was to find the site that we had reserved.  We became less and less happy with that distance with each return trip with more of what we needed to survive that cold night.

Yet, I had to admit it was beautiful.  Acres and acres of mowed expanse between gloriously big oak trees.  And the restrooms were also very nice.  Even cold, tired and grumpy, I could not discount that this was a beautiful place to be.

As I've gotten older, I've realized the same thing about life.  Though I've had some heartache and definitely some big insecurities and at times crippling shyness, I cannot discount that this life is a beautiful experience.  I know some moments are so brutal for some that they are left with life-long trauma that covers their lens on the world with an icky black film.  That is understandable.  Life is not equal.  Life is not fair.  But I also know that we are so connected to this our temporary home that there is some part of everyone that knows the beauty here is undeniable.  They may give up hope, feel there's no way they can ever access it again, but that realization that life is beautiful is still there somewhere.  This book is a grand wish that somehow, I might clear just enough crud off a lens to stir a memory.  And if not that, that it will at least serve as a simple reminder to myself to be present more often than not.  Even with all the shit we go through (some way more than others), this thing we call life is a grand gig, even camping in that California coastal cold.


Wednesday, September 11, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--37. One

Morning Cloud, Steve Brown 2024


And it is a strange thing that most of the feeling we call religious, most of the mystical outcrying which is one of the most prized and used and desired reactions of our species, is really the understanding and the attempt to say that man is related to the whole thing, related inextricably to all reality, known and unknowable.  This is a simple thing to say, but the profound feeling of it made a Jesus, a St. Augustine, a St. Francis, a Roger Bacon, a Charles Darwin, and an Einstein.  Each of them in his own tempo and with his own voice discovered and reaffirmed with astonishment the knowledge that all things are one thing and that one thing is all things--plankton, a shimmering phosphorescence on the sea and the spinning planets and an expanding universe, all bound together by the elastic string of time.  It is advisable to look from the tide pool to the stars and then back to the tide pool again.

--John Steinbeck, Sea of Cortez, 1941

I am obsessed with near-death experiences and reports of an afterlife.  I spend more time reading books and watching videos on that than any other subject, including Steinbeck, the subject matter of this book. Although many years ago I was seeking some assurance that this life isn't all there is, after reading and watching videos of hundreds of accounts, that is no longer what draws me to the reports.  I am already absolutely sure I will still exist long after I stop breathing.  No, what draws me to these accounts is that same oneness Steinbeck speaks about.  Though clearly an agnostic, and at most times in his life, an atheist, Steinbeck identifies through the study of ecology an "expanding universe, all bound together by the elastic string of time".  

Through a different set of lenses, all near-death experiences reinforce that same oneness profoundly, including the "elastic string of time."   Time, as we know it, apparently only exists in this realm.  But unity, oneness in purpose, is eternal and God-driven.  

This is sometimes difficult to comprehend in a world of predator and prey, of conflict and survival, and yet, I believe we all have had glimpses of it.  I know William Blake did.  As did Wordsworth.  It is that feeling we only get when we are fully connected to now.  The feeling a young boy gets watching an ant move across a concrete walk on a fall afternoon when the shadows are chilly, and the sunlight is so gloriously warm on the skin.  The way that light hits the black ant body and turns it almost golden, but not quite.  The way the quartz crystals in the cement sparkle and dazzle the observer's eyes.

I'm certain everyone has had such a moment.  Maybe, it was sitting on the edge of a soccer field squinting into the late afternoon sunlight as you watch your son or daughter kick a ball.  A blanket over your lap, your eye focused only on the movement of your child--how glorious he looks with his long shaggy hair glistening under the warm touch of the late afternoon sun.

Sometimes I see that moment and know that truth doing dishes--when sunlight streams in window just right and turns the bubbles into pearls.

We don't doubt unity at such times.  We know it.  Because we are fully in the now--that magical suspension of time and thought where all we do is exist.  And feeling that, knowing that, produces profound gratitude because at some deep level we've always known it:  despite the duplicity of this world, we are all one in purpose.  We exist to exist together as one.  Here, now, and into eternity--we are always in school, always learning an ever-deepening connection to God's love.

I've seen cats experience that often.  Dogs too, but not quite as frequently.  They'll just sit in a shaft of sunlight and stare off into space--happy to just exist as part of everything else.

Steinbeck may have been an atheist.  But he is a mentor.  He saw the connections between everything, how everything we do impacts everything else.  And that it matters profoundly.

He looked in the tidepool and saw the universe.  He looked out at the universe and saw the tidepool.  And he recognized that they are the same.

After reading and watching hundreds of near-death experiences, I know there are literally thousands of individuals who know that oneness in God's love is our reality beyond a shadow of a doubt because their unshakable experiences with the afterlife.  They fully comprehend this life is but one tide pool in an ocean of existence.

But we don't have to die to know that.  The cat stretched out in a bar of sunlight knows it.   And we can feel it too.  Anytime we are willing to stop and be still.  It is a gift to all life.  The lion and zebra know it when they come to the water pool at the end of the day, and there in that late afternoon glow, suspend their roles as predator and prey to drink from and be sustained by the living water that is all life. 

And once we are willing to absorb those moments, we will never ever be the same.

God is all.  All is God.  The purpose of life is living.  And the moment to do that is now.

In this mortal life, it is perhaps impossible to remember that always in the midst of the tempest and turmoil, but the more time we spend in those magical suspensions of time soaking in sunlight, the more humanely we respond to the chaos and conflict around us as we are slowly and continually refined by God's love though our willingness to simply to exist as part of the whole.




Wednesday, August 28, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--36. Simply Glorious in Monterey

Monterey Docks, Steve Brown 2022 


              The first time I’d ever been as far south along the coast as Big Sur, I was shocked to find groves of redwoods.  I knew they were there.  Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a student of maps.  I’d seen the groves marked on various road atlases.  But there is a difference between knowing something abstractly and having real knowledge that something is true.

              The redwoods aren’t hard to conceive in northern California.  Everything is so wet and verdant, life springing up everywhere, even under the harsh winds blowing off the coast— ferns, moss, wildflowers, big sweeping strokes of black trees on high bluffs leaning inward—giant trees a few miles inland seem inevitable.   As awed as one is by the enormous, spongy hush one feels walking along a trail along the Avenue of the Giants, one isn’t necessarily surprised to see those magnificent trees.

              However, the coast south of San Francisco is different.  Though by no means a desert, things dry out quite a bit.  Hills are windswept, and outside the rainy season, pale green to golden yellow.  Oaks have replaced most confers.  Mist, though present, comes in short waves, broken by periods of intense sunlight.  Wildflowers, other than the California poppies that seasonally blanket the hillsides, are more scattered.  The landscape simply does not look like it would support trees the size of skyscrapers.  And along the coast, it doesn’t.

              But then the road will curve in, and tucked in behind a big, round sloping ridge, sheltered from the wind, will be a grove of magnificent redwoods along a clear creek.  It’s so surprising, so breathtaking.

              These scattered groves of giants around Big Sur were perhaps my favorite part of our honeymoon trip in September 1997.  It was the thing I looked forward to most on our return trip.  I’d planned on stopping to eat at this restaurant we’d had breakfast at on our honeymoon.  It had a back patio that overlooked a sparkling river and a grove of redwoods beyond that.  We watched birds and took in the sunshine.  It was glorious.

              However, this time, the flat tire changed everything.  It was getting late in the afternoon, and we were riding on a donut spare.  Monterey would be about the maximum recommended travel distance on it.  We needed to get to a tire shop before it closed.

              So, all those stops—that amazing lunch—had to be scrapped.  All that I would see of the redwood groves of Big Sur were the ones I could see out my window as we quickly drove by.  And some of those had burned.  It was still pretty, of course.  It just didn't match my expectations.

              Another day, another trip, I would probably let that sour my mood.  But because I had been diagnosed with kidney disease and was told it could be serious, I was mentally prepared for this to perhaps be our last road trip together.  So, nothing was going to infringe on that sacred time--especially not my mood.

              Perhaps this is why something as simple as standing together outside a tire shop near the docks of Monterey in a cold wind is so imbedded in my memory.  It was a few blocks of small, industrial buildings, rusted chain-link fences, stacks of tires, cinderblocks, and long metal poles.  Yet, in that afternoon sun, next to my woman and the finite time I imagined we had left together, we might as well have been eating on the back patio of a fine restaurant overlooking a river in the redwoods.  It was simply a profoundly stunning experience.

              That didn’t change afterwords when we drove down to the Monterey Docks and walked along the choppy bay in a bitter wind to Old Fisherman's Warf, the big, beautiful purple-blue flowering heads of Pride of Madeira contrasting against the white sailboats and deep blue sky.

              All was glorious, simply glorious.

    

Saturday, August 24, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--35. This Moment

Stopping to Enjoy One Moment on the Way to Work, Steve Brown 2024

This morning, I woke up from a beautiful dream.   I thought I was in a rut, working in a small restaurant, going nowhere, living in a house with a leaky roof that I didn't have the money to fix.

I am at work--the details from the dream here aren't clear--and I get this call from a Mexican restaurant owner in the area.  He's speaking in Spanish, and I can't really understand him.  I had Spanish in collage but barely passed the class, and that was years ago.  It's frustrating, but I know this guy.  He is a tall, slender, older gentleman with warm, brown eyes lined with soft wrinkles.  His food is amazing.  I can tell from his voice he's feeling pretty desperate in the moment.  I stay on the line, ask him to repeat things over and over, and then I give back what I think he's saying and have him say, "si" or "no," whether I've got it right or not.  We do this for quite some time.  Turns out his one stove-burner died, and he has a big pot of beans to heat.    Not just any beans.  He uses white beans and cooks them with lots of garlic, onions, and who knows what.  They are heaven to the mouth.  He's wondering if I can come get them and heat them on our stove.  I say yes.  To me it's like if Paul McCartney has called up and asked, "Hey, I'm trying to work out some lyrics on this song; would you mind coming over and giving me a hand?"  This guy, though not famous, is to food what Paul McCartney is to music.  And it doesn't matter whether the world knows it or not. I do.

So, I let my boss know the situation, and I head out.  Our place, a small, a locally owned Denny's-like joint, is at the end of a long block with an alley that starts next to it running down the length of the block.  The Mexican restaurant is near the other end, and the quickest way is down the middle.

It's late afternoon, and I'm headed down this concrete alley that slopes down in the middle for drainage.  It rained all night, and I woke up to a wet living room and the feeling of slow moldy doom--a life spent working to get nowhere.  But now, the late afternoon sunlight is igniting the various brick rear facades of the businesses gloriously.   That is reflected in the long puddle.

Halfway down the alley a large electrical pole, golden orange, is reflected in the puddle.   Something so pedestrian yet so beautiful!  

Wow!  High, on one of those gray metal electrical cylinders, a bald eagle, his head intensely yellowed by the sun, his eyes glittering!

This is it.  I don't know about others, but for me, this is enough.  This is why I'm here.  Not to accomplish anything in particular.   Simply to be.   

And I all of the sudden I have this sensation from deep inside that in some preexistence I'd chosen this moment and all that came before, including waking up to a soggy living room, in order to be here and witness that eagle and serve the owner of the Mexican restaurant on this day, and that as long as I am fully invested now, whatever that might be, with love and service, I am doing exactly what I'm meant to do, and what that is doesn't really matter.  I know in that instant life isn't about what you accomplish but rather who you become.   If we enter each moment intently, openly, unguarded, willing to serve others, there is absolutely no way of getting life wrong.  

And then I woke up.

I had such a moment last fall, writing and looking out the sliding glass door behind my desk at a single sunflower illuminated by the last direct sunlight of the day.

I don't always remember it.  I have moments when I feel lost, frustrated and question the meaning of life.  But all of those times are spent in my head in negative inner dialogue that either attempts to puff up my ego and justify my actions or beliefs, or just as often, wallows in self-doubt and pity.  As soon as I realize it and refocus again on now and tune my eye into some detail of the world around me there is absolutely no question about why I'm here: to live.  It's that simple.  Life is its own meaning.  Because long ago we chose it.  You might not be able to intellectually grasp that. I'm not sure I can--it's so different for everybody, but at the same time, all the same. Yet, I'm pretty sure everyone can feel it--but only when you get out of the could-have's and should-have's and enter this moment completely.

I think life is going to get very difficult in the near future.  We will reap the consequences of our collective choices.  Smoke filled skies.  Mind-boggling winds and great floods.  These will become more and more common.  As will political strife.

But there is no moment that cannot be either narrowed or widened to perfection through an eye focused on learning the lessen that moment exists to teach.

All life can be glorious--even death and destruction--when the soul is open, and the eye is focused.  Similarly, the most naturally glorious moments can jog by unnoticed because we are stuck in our mind, stuck on our devices, or stuck in our addictions.

But this moment is our entry into eternity.  Always.  It's just deciding what we want now--to be distracted or to be focused.


Monday, August 5, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--34. Here and There, Then and Now, Writing Highway 1 from 780 Miles and Two Years Away

Mailboxes, California 1, Steve Brown 2022

1.  Getting There

It's getting more difficult to get back there again.  Highway 1 is slowly slipping away.  Unfortunately, it's doing that literally--sliding off into the ocean at an ever-increasing rate due to landslides driven by wildfire-deforestation and high-precipitation storms, one more dream being devastated by climate change.  Yet here, I simply mean it's slipping away from me.  If remotely practical, I would hop in my car today and be on my way.  Instead, all I have at this moment is the sunlight on the oaks outside my living room window and Juniper-blobbed ridge behind still deep in shadow, an intensely bright lemon-white sky behind that.  It's stunning, but it isn't where I need my mind to go now.

I can access the events that day, just not the particulars.  Writing lives or dies in the details--and real or imagined, those details have to be experienced deeply by the writer while the words hit the page.  Otherwise, the narrative feels deeply contrived and sickly sentimental--a string of adjectives and overly written metaphors.  

I want to write sunlight on whitecaps below where the mountains suddenly climb down into the sea as real as if it were so for me now at this moment.  That is the only way for it to be that real for the reader also.  It isn't what words are on the page.  It is what is between the words on the page--an energy that is transferred from the writer to the reader--the description on the page intensified dramatically by what the writer leaves out because he's there so intensely he can get it right with just a few words.  That involves an honesty that can't be faked--a frozen daydream.  All great books are frozen daydreams--the churnings of the mind snap-shotted for the reader again and again until a narrative emerges from all of the intensely colored dots placed next to each other.

You have to be there before those rusty, colored mailboxes just off the highway--oh so close to the hillside dramatically dropping out of sight, jeweled whitecaps rushing in to where the waves break but cannot be seen.  You have to be there, in your head, snapping that picture, thinking, "Damn, can you believe, someone has to stop here each day to get their mail before heading up the gravel lane on the opposite side of the highway to a house somewhere on a hillside even higher, to look out always on that--on that!--where an entire continent crashes into the ocean with thundering majesty."

You have to be there in your head as you write it.  Or it's just sticky works on a page.

2.  There, Perhaps (After Going to and Returning Home from Church)

Once you know what it is you long for, you can usually get back.  I long to stand in that sodium light and look out at whitecaps almost as far as the eye can see--that magical line where ocean meets sky.  I long to feel the weight of the deep, to know unfathomable depths from the hard, choppy surface, that from up here, certainly appears to be stone.  True, if I fell, although it may kill me upon impact, the water would certainly give way before my body did, but from up here that seems almost impossible, so solid the sea seems, and yet also, at the same time, it tells of depths fully comprehensible only to God, stories as old as time that somehow radiate out in all those thousands and thousands of glints of light.

3.  There.  

I am there.  I have just fixed a tire after we drove through an intense downpour that brought down thousands of sharp rocks from the hillside, one of which must have caught my tire just right and split it open grandly.  Had such an event occurred six months ago, I would have sworn and fretted and cursed my God, and Marci would have sat in the car terrified by how unhinged I am.  But today is different.  My kidney disease, not yet fully diagnosed as to what particular type yet, has made it clear I might possibly have a limited time left on earth.  Now everything matters.  Even how well I keep my temper under control.  In my mind, this very well could be the last trip Marci and I ever take together.  With that knowledge, I am able to do what I've never been able to do before--sit in an unpleasant moment and see the glory in it.  I work on changing the tire fully satisfied to just be alive.  I listen to the swoosh of wet tires going by.  

And when I'm done, I cross the highway to where a bunch of rusted, colorful mailboxes stand before the glittering sea, and for now, that is all I need.

Then, 780 Miles and Two Years Away.

And now, 4:42, a.m., August 8, 2024.

Here.

Sometimes it's difficult to sit in a moment and be real.  The way we feel crushed by unrealized dreams or distracted by endless to-do lists.   Yet, the moments worth living are always the moments grounded in now, even if now is just doing dishes.  

I forget it, and yet I know it so well.  We are meant to exist fully in this moment--open, aware, not holding back from the simple awe of existence.

When I remember that, I am steady, and life is good.  When I don't, I quickly slide towards a deep ocean of fears and regrets, could-have's and should-have's--things that I have absolutely no control over now, and even if I did, I would simply have a different list of could-have's and should-have's because dissatisfaction has absolutely nothing to do with what you have or haven't accomplished over your life and everything to do with how removed you are from living now.

Dissatisfaction occurs when you're not fully there with your spouse watching TV, when you're not fully there with your kid playing Legos, when you're not fully there paying those monthly bills, when you're not fully there writing that book that you know needs to be written, and instead there you sit watching beach volleyball on the Olympics because you fear you can't get back to California Highway 1 the way you need to, and your deepest fear at this moment is that you've spent years working on a book that's going absolutely nowhere.

As if that mattered.  And it doesn't.  But that's how the mind keeps us from doing the hard work of living now.  Everything becomes important except this sacred movement where I'm totally free to choose my focus for the eternities.

I choose sunshine and spiderwebs.  Rainstorms and water dancing off the lake surface.  Waffles smothered in blueberries and whip cream.  When prompted by my God, I choose stopping for the hitchhiker to ease someone else's sucky day, knowing full well there is risk in that.  But also knowing the risk to the soul is even greater by ignoring the call to the soul now.

Thursday, July 18, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--33.True and Tangible Things

Texas Springs Campground, Death Valley National Park, Steve Brown 2022

There is more beauty in truth, even if it is a dreadful beauty.  The storytellers at the city gate twist life so that it looks sweet to the lazy and the stupid and the weak, and this only strengthens their infirmities and teaches nothing, cures nothing, nor does it let the heart soar.

--John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952

I cannot find peace if I cannot see what is causing peace not to be present.

--Kaden, a former student of mine, 2023

An unbelieved truth can hurt a man much more than a lie.  It takes great courage to back truth unacceptable to our times.  There's a punishment for it, and it's usually crucifixion.

--John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952

July 8, 2024

Heat hangs heavy even in the darkness.  It's 5:08.  I woke up and the edges of my ears were hot.  Perhaps they burned over the holiday weekend.  Today, we will reach 95, by Friday 101.  That's here, along the mountains.  Out in the valley, it will be over 107.

Things aren't what they used to be.  It amazes me people can pretend them to be.  Over the Fourth, to keep the peace, when politics came up, my one son said, "Let's not get political."  To which my father in-law responded, "I get so sick of hearing that climate-change hogwash."

I also wanted peace, so I sucked in what immediately came to mind:  "It's not politics; it's science."  Silence is a heat.  Grasshoppers move by the millions through the stubby, dry grasses.  

In the spring when some friends announced they wanted to come see Marci and me, I told them to come early--June, if possible--before the West filled with smoke as it now does annually.  Before 2007 that was seldom the case.  My friends took my advice, but June wasn't early enough.   The fire season begins earlier almost every year--even the good ones when mountain snows are plentiful.

How do you not notice that?  How does one deny the smoke filling your lungs and blotching your skies with thick gray smut?  Yet many do.  They believe a man who never tells the truth--things that are very simple to fact-check--and ignore smoke-dense skies as real as the concrete or asphalt beneath their feet.  They froth and foam over the numbers of desperate immigrants seeking salvation at the border and ignore the hell sweltering up in their own backyard.

Things ain't what they used to be.  And there seems to be no way to change anything.  The grasshoppers move in.  The supreme court sinks its jaws deep into the constitution.  That madman will get his tyrant's seat.  The fires will rise, as will the seas.  The tornadoes will twist, the winds will blow.  Seldom will we see again a crystal-clear day.

Yet, joy is a must.  As Germany demonstrated, you can keep a nation amped up on hate for a very long time.  

Yet, even in the midst of the artificially fed hysteria and combustive flames of nationalism, humans still need happiness.  Kindness, goodness, and peace are as essential to humanity as food and water.  A moving mob always eats itself up as the jaws of the bulging-eyed eventually devour each other in fear and desire for more power.  Yet, in the midst of the plague, for anyone else to remain sane, there must be joy.  Laughter, even if it's expelled in whispers in hidden rooms and attics, must still rise from the human hearts during times of tyranny or all is lost.  Joy is a necessity not a luxury.

Thus, there is a time to focus on the tangerine sunlight rising above that ridge even when you know that beautiful orange marmalade color is caused by a fire burning fifty miles away.  Because we need beauty always, even under the shadow of an incinerator smokestack or on edge of Armagedón.  Therefore, it is important to understand how to feel joy unconnected to circumstances.

For me, it all comes down to now.  A moment observed well, no matter how awful, is a true and tangible thing.  At least for some, honest observation brings a sort of joy regardless of the nature of the data observed.  A problem accurately named is a problem that can be solved.  

A sunrise is a sunrise.  These things exist even in the Armageddons that swirl around us, and they cannot be taken away once we learn to enter a moment well.  I see, therefore I am.   Happiness doesn't come from existing; it comes from observing existence well.  It is the dying man who knows his cancer well who feels joy beyond his circumstance.  No alcoholic is ever healed without naming their disease and the devastation that has resulted from it.  Once we sit comfortably in reality, no matter what it is, we can be okay.  We are meant to watch sunrises no matter what the day brings--and to see them clearly for what they are, even when that glorious red morning is clearly a warning of the storms that are coming.

Escape is not joy.  Sitting in your current reality, whatever it is, is the first step in finding it.  Silence is not peace.  Naming what is causing peace not to be present is the first step in finding it. 

We are a nation in denial of the human-caused climatic tempest currently swirling all around us.  We are a nation so hungry to escape accountability for our own history of slavery, segregation, and political and economic injustices, we will gladly worship and serve someone blindly as long as he will blame all of our problems on others--easy targets like refugees and the homeless.  A bully is always a coward compensating insignificance by targeting those not in a position to fight back. 

We are a nation ripe for a tyrant to give us permission to scapegoat our fears onto the most vulnerable.

This is not a pleasant time.  But there is more joy in naming the cancers than in pretending they don't exist.  A truth is a good thing even when it is an unpleasant thing.  Naming things accurately has power.  God named the light light.  And he named the darkness darkness.  And he separated them.  

Satan calls one the other, or says they are one in the same, trying to mingle them until they are sooty gray.

Climate change is not political.  It's reality.  It can be and is documented in real numbers.  

Trump is not Christian.   His rhetoric and actions are the absolute antithesis of everything Christ stands for as depicted in the New Testament.  Therefore, Trump is an antiChrist by definition.  That could change, of course.  People change.  But if that happens, it will be observable in both his rhetoric and actions.

You must know a thing by what it is, not by what you want it to be.  

Give me some truth.




Wednesday, May 1, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--32. Big Sur Life

Fog, Big Sur, April 2022, Steve Brown

The weather changes constantly along California 1 north of Morro Bay, so frequently in fact, that it is steady and stable, like the rhythm of a song.  Except on very rare occasions, you know that on your journey, you will wind your way through the constant interplay of sunshine and fog that may or may not include brief intense downpours of rain, the clouds rolling in, echoing the rhythm of the sea.

I can never decide what I love more on that drive, a wall of fog or a burst of sunshine, because the glory is not in one or the other but in the landscape constantly changing, as the clouds form, move, and disperse, over and over again.

I cannot help but wonder if our lives are like that, and yet we miss the grand sweeping views of the interplay of gray and light because we only want the sunshine.  How many glorious moments of thundering waves and cool, thick whisps of blindingly dense uncertainty do we resent in our own lives because we are addicted to sunshine and seek storm-free lives even though that is an impossibility.  What would we feel and learn if we could just sit in that cold gray mist and watch the changing light as a storm moves through our lives and then passes?  Sure, there are times to run for cover and pray for sunshine.  Instinct is important.  There are definitely times we need to seek refuge from the storms.  Some things, like the death of a loved one or a marriage that refuses to survive, can feel overwhelming.  But most of us never want any level of storms in our lives at any time because we are addicted to sunshine.  And because we don't practice sitting in hard moments, when the big ones come, they feel devastating, or worse, we just go numb.  

I think there may be a way of actually sitting in the small problems and enjoying them immensely--the simple joy in watching our ego react to the most-recent cloud coming our way--the picnic we learn to absolutely love precisely because we got rain instead of sunshine.  I don't know if I can get there.  But I think it's possible because I love the loss off sunshine along the California coast even though my skin always yearns for that glorious return of the sun.  I love feeling that fog bank move in, at first everything filtered by a sodium light that softens the landscape while still letting in some warm rays, and then watching and feeling how that thin film thickens to clumpy gray while shadows vanish before the diminished light as the clouds crash into the mountainside and spew upward over the ridges.  I can sit there and enjoy that cold, brutally moist wind because I have full confidence that if I sit there--sure some cold pelting rain may hit briefly--but a moment of warm golden light is guaranteed to return.

I want to learn to live life like I drive California 1--open to the everchanging reality before me in all its glory, enthralled by the shifting clouds and the play of light and shadow, rather than limiting my moments of joy to the brief bursts of sunshine and feeling dread each time another cloud approaches.

I believe there are a few rare people who have stopped seeking storm-free lives on the cellular level, the only place it really counts, and enjoy the rained-on picnic as much, if not more than the perfect one, who enjoy the flat tire as part of the trip (a chance to get down in the gravel and see the world from something close to a crawling-critter perspective), and I want to learn to become one of them because what good does it do you to desire only sunshine when you live in a landscape where clouds will surely come?  

We all live in landscapes where clouds will surely come.  Our addiction to sunshine keeps us from enjoying this moment, whatever it be.  But I don't think it needs to be that way, and I am determined to find out if there isn't a better way of living--a way where my happiness isn't dependent on the weather being favorable to my plans for the day.  I want to discover a way of being where my happiness isn't even necessarily tied to joy.  I love a rainy day, but I can't say that a rainy day makes me happy.  It makes me depressed, but it's a good depression, a wonderful melancholy that makes you want to read a good book, a depression that I cannot only live with, but one that I can savor, for I can name the source of that feeling--the diminished light--and I have full confidence, based on experience, that the storm will eventually pass, and that the sunlight will return in all its glory.  Why do we struggle so to have that same recognition in our broader lives when experience should clearly teach us everything is changing, always?  We might as well enjoy all of the ride--not just the most comfortable parts.  A life focused on all moments is a life lived fully.  A life focused only on sunshine is diminished greatly by denying what life actually is--constant change, change so constant that if one gets into the groove and goes with the beat, one finds one can sway to the music.

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--31. Focus Is the Difference Between Seeing the World in a Grain of Sand and Just Quickly Swooshing Away a Speck of Dirt

Dry Creek Holding Pond, One Moment, 4.24.24, Steve Brown 

I knew when I started writing this book that I would not be able to keep up with the changes in the world.  The world moves much too fast these days.  None-the-less, I initially intended to weave glimpses of our current shared reality into the narrative by beginning each chapter with one moment somewhere around the world.  I had in mind something similar to the Newsreel chapters in the novel 1919 by Jon Dos Pasos.  I thought that by combining Marci's and my journey to Cannery Row and back, current news events, and some in between chapters recording my thought processes (like this one)along with an in-depth study of the philosophy of Ed Rickets and John Steinbeck, I might be able to arrive at some semblance of what it means to live in our times, which in so many ways mirror Steinbeck's times.  I felt then, and still feel now, that his writing is more relevant now than ever before.  

It was an intuitive structure, but one that I felt I could generally keep.  To some extent I have.  But something changed on Thursday, September 24, 2023.  As I sat at my desk and looked out on a single sunflower lit up in my garden by the last warm rays of the day, I became acutely aware that I have never been unhappy when I was fully in a moment.  In my teenage and college years I was dissatisfied most of the time but never when I was completely present.  All my unhappiness happened in my head.   In an instant, I realized one could choose to stay in the moment or one could not-choose, and in the process, unconsciously follow whatever train of thought and emotions rose in the mind, usually triggered by whatever circumstance presented itself at the time.   The journey is usually glorious until you have a flat tire.  

I also realized that I usually react defensively in response to living.   This occurs in two polar-opposite mental states--a place of fear and self-doubt or a place of judgment and self-aggrandization--but that both are equally defensive in protecting some sense of a stable I.  The self-doubt keeps me from believing I can change, and the self-aggrandization keeps me from believing I need to change.  It seemed to me that the mind left on its own will always goes to a place of defense except when one chooses to intentionally sit in a moment as an objective, transparent observer.

Of course, I hadn't discovered anything new.   Buddhist monks have known and written about this phenomenon for centuries.  Meditation is one means to get there.  And I'd spent years reading books by Buddhist authors, so it was something I knew about already intellectually, but at that moment, I realized not only had I lived that bliss many times before, but that with practice, I might learn to live some sort of joy always, even in moments of great fear and sorrow.  I'm still not sure I personally can accomplish my goal, but at that moment I knew in an instant happiness does not depend on circumstances.  It is a choice.  It is a choice between sitting fearlessly in the moment, whatever that moment is, and intentionally observing it for what it is, or it is not-choosing that, and by not consciously choosing that, letting your mind take over--which, with the ego in control, always goes to a place that pits you against reality where everything, absolutely everything, is about seeking protection and establishing a position of superiority.  It does not, and cannot, lead to happiness.  By trying to keep us safe from the tiger outside, the ego has become the tiger inside.   Unchecked by reality, it will eat a person from within and drive them to insanity without them knowing it.  

Since that moment of realization, the subject of this book has clearly become now, although the vehicle to explore it remains the works of John Steinbeck and Marci's and my journey to Cannery Row in 2022.   

And now it is time to stop writing this chapter and do the dishes.  They've been stacking up for three days because Friday and Saturday were days to work in the yard and yesterday was a day to go up north to be with family.

Now, the sky is turquoise above the juniper-jagged ridge outside my living room window, each tree seeming to lumber along the top, individually together like a line of enormous elephants.  I could sit here in this moment and watch the sky lighten but now is the time to wash dishes, and if I'm fully present, it too will be a moment of miracles because one cannot fully enter a moment and not have it count for something.  I'm absolutely positive of that.  All moments matter immensely, especially the mundane ones, because those are moments where we spend most of our lives.  If we live them grandly, fully satisfied with whatever task is at hand, we will never look back at our life and think what was it all for?   We will know because we spent each waking moment intimately having a dialogue with it.

To be or not to be is not so much a question as to live or die; rather it is more a question as to whether to be present or not, and that has far less to do with what you are doing at the moment and far more with how are going about doing it.

Focus is the difference between seeing the world in a grain of sand and just quickly swooshing away a speck of dirt, oblivious to the infinity contained in that moment.  That wildflower off to the side of the bottom step contains no heaven for neither the eye blinded by the mind resenting having to sweep the porch nor the mind nagging to get some sort of recognition for having done so.  Eternity exists only for those present in the moment.  Hell may simply be a state of being so consumed by the nagging of the ego that one is totally unaware God is standing next to you, patiently waiting for you to notice heaven is all around you if you will simply stop, breathe, and observe the intricacies of life abundantly accessible now and into the eternities.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--30. California 1. Mist and sun

 

California 1, Mist and Sun, Steve Brown 2022

California 1.  Mist and sun.  Sodium-light softened hills that seem to roll out of the surf of the sea along with the clouds--everything slowly moving east always--wave after wave.  Blues, whites, greens, all glorious together as one everchanging, eternally-the-same landscape--grey, cold and moody one moment, and then, popping out in brilliantly bright detail the next.

There is no feeling on earth like getting out of the car again and again, viewpoint after viewpoint, along California 1.  It is the drive of all drives.  It blows my mind, there are those who have to drive that highway just to get around, to go into Cambria to get a box of cereal and a gallon of milk or go to the post office.  A man can be in the moment anywhere, but there are some places that demand our presence more than others.  What makes California 1 so magical is that it demands you be there, fully.  The moment you step out of that car, feel that mist, hear those waves thunder, and take in those brief but glorious encounters with direct sunlight, you are 100% in one moment and one place.   It's impossible not to be.  Life becomes nothing more than watching a Monarch butterfly warm its wings on a purple flower on a hillside above the sea.  You are constantly wanting to jump out of your skin, leave your mortality far behind, and glide over the hills, wild and free.

And so, that's what Marci and I did, April 11, 2022.  We drove.  We stopped.  Sometimes we walked a bit.  Then we stood all amazed and looked at the waves.  They are always the first thing, each and every time.  They grab you.  But then there are the smaller things.  The seagull sitting on a fence post, the squirrel popping its head out from under the ground cover, a butterfly gently landing.   And oh, how glorious a moment of sun feels igniting your chilled skin.  And then mist is back, and you zip up that hoodie, and pull it tight around you, waiting for that next brief burst of sun.



Monday, April 8, 2024

The Ghost of Tom Joad Knocking at the Door: A Pilgrim's Journey into the CaliforniAmerican Heartland--29. One Moment Reading the First Paragraph of Cannery Row

Cannery Row, April 12, 2022, Steve Brown

For me the most perfect paragraph ever written is the one that starts Cannery Row.

Cannery Row in Monterey in California is a poem, a stink, a grating noise, a quality of light, a tone, a habit, a nostalgia, a dream.  Cannery Row is the gathered and scattered, tin and iron and rust and splintered wood, chipped pavement and weedy lots and junk heaps, sardine canneries of corrugated iron, honky tonks, restaurants and whore houses, and little crowded groceries, and laboratories and flophouses.  Its inhabitants are, as the man once said, "whores, pimps, gamblers, and sons of bitches, by which he meant Everybody.  Had the man looked through another peephole he might have said, "Saints and angels and martyrs and holy men," and he would have meant the same thing.

If that paragraph was the only paragraph John Steinbeck ever composed, in my mind he would remain forever the preeminent chronicler of Americana and one of the world's most profound philosophers.

When I read Cannery Row for the first time, it felt like it would change my life forever.  I'm not sure it did, but it should haveIt definitely changed moments, but I think I am now beginning to really comprehend that jewel at the cellular level, like sunlight, where it counts.

Like he so often did so well, Steinbeck captured the universal through the particular.  Cannery Row is both a specific place at a specific moment in history, and it is also everywhere at all times.  It is stepping into a moment and place completely unfiltered by bias and preconceptions and enjoying whatever that quality is on its own terms.  It is becoming the transparent eyeball Emerson talks about; it is Buddha sitting under the fig tree, and then standing up an enlightened being, no longer that man who sat down.

Cannery Row is not just a study of a particular place and time; it's not just a juicy, dripping, generous slice of life, although it clearly is that.  Ultimately, it's an essay on how to live life--not so much through the examples of characters, although they do get a lot of things profoundly right, even in their drunken states.  Rather, through the open, loving, compassionate way Steinbeck films that little neighborhood in his mind's eye, he shows us how to view the world around us through the lens of love.  Steinbeck sees Cannery Row the way God must see Cannery Row.  Steinbeck would never word it that way himself.  He was far more atheist than believer, and he was far too humble to ever associate his view of the world as godly.  Still, Steinbeck saw the world through Christ-like eyes, and he did that by entering a moment fully, on its own terms, open, and unbiased by preconceptions, studying it objectively like a scientist.  Oddly, doing so, aligns you more with all the qualities of Christ--compassion, understanding, wisdom, letting-go--more than does narrowing your vision to the holy, and then frothing and foaming at the mouth, razor-back hair on your head, growling at all the evil you encounter around you.  The reason most Christians, including myself, aren't very Christian is because we can't get out of ourselves.  Everything is an ego-driven comparison, a judgement that places us above the world we are viewing, a disdainful eye towards humanity, and thus all of creation.  All vision stems from a selfish need to be better than everyone else.  In that state, pity passes for compassion, and self-indulgent "understanding" for love, which is why the world judges Christians so harshly.  The hate we often get back is an opposite force in equal reaction to the distain the world receives from us.

Obviously, especially in The Grapes of Wrath, Steinbeck did make judgement, and he certainly was angered by what he saw.  I would say the same is true of Christ as depicted in the New Testament.  Both were incredibly angered by social systems of injustice that stifle the individual's capacity to grow and become all they can be.  They were angered by the caste systems that those in power designed to keep the game unfair and the advantaged always advantaged.  But that anger grew out of compassionate eyes that saw all of humanity as equally human rather than from self-centered eyes that needed somehow to see themselves as better than those around them.  Ultimately, Christ only judges one type of person--he who judges others, especially the displaced and the de-privileged.  Everyone else is given grace once they have repented.  His only intolerance is of self-righteousness and self-centeredness.  I think the same can be said of Steinbeck.  By entering a moment, a place, a stink, a grating noise, a quality of light, objectively and completely, he is able to understand the motivations of its inhabitants, and that understanding builds compassion which fosters love, to where the "whores, pimps, gamblers, and sons of bitches" are transformed into "Saints and angels and martyrs and holy men":  

Mack and the boys are the Beauties, the Virtues, the Graces.  In a world ruled by tigers with ulcers, rutted by strictured bulls, scavenged by blind jackals, Mack and the boys dine delicately with the tigers, fondle the frantic heifers, and wrap up the crumbs to feed the sea gulls of Cannery Row.   What can it profit a man to gain the whole world and come to his property with a gastric ulcer, a blown prostrate, and bifocals?  Mack and the boys avoid the trap, walk around the poison, step over the noose while a generation of trapped, poisoned, and trussed-up men scream at them and call them no-goods, come-to-bad-ends, blots-on-the-town, thieves, rascals, bums.  Our Father who art in Nature, who has given the gift of survival to the coyote, the common brown rat, the English sparrow, the house fly and the moth, must have a great overwhelming love for no-goods and blots-on-the-town and bums, Mack and the boys.  Virtuess and graces and laziness and zest.  Our Father who art in nature.

Because Steinbeck understands Mack and the boys completely, and sees how they fill a niche in society, he also loves them completely.   His objective observations create that love.  When you view a situation intensely enough, objectively enough, you become one with it.  You are no longer separated by your ego.  That's what Emerson felt as a transparent eyeball.  That's what Sidhartha found when he sat under the fig tree.  When we lose ourselves--whether that be through observation or service to others--we find ourselves.  The ego sets up false walls--ungodly walls of separation between us and the world around us.  That is counter to the two great commandments:  to love God, the creator of all, with all your heart, and to love others even as yourself.  Even in his insistence that Nature is the only god, Steinbeck comes closer to the core of Christianity than most Christians do because he sees each individual as part of the fabric of whole through an empathetic eye that understands how they became that way, and what they contribute the world by simply trying to survive.  So, the villains in The Grapes of Wrath are not individuals, but rather a Satanic system of injustice that unnaturally keeps people in castes and castrates their natural talents and abilities and makes them unnaturally impotent in the world.  It's the system that turns free agency into an illusion for those at the bottom that is evil, not the various individuals on different rungs of the ladder.  The Grapes of Wrath is ultimately an inditement of the American caste system.  

Being in a moment, sitting completely under that tree and just being, walking through those woods and becoming all eye, transparent in your surroundings, forces a confrontation with that false wall of separateness and superiority, and breaking through that sets the soul free, if only for a moment.  But once that illusion has been fully observed for what it is, an illusion, one can never fully retreat back to a place of hate and distain for the world around you.  That ego-driven sense of superiority is forever damaged, and with it, your fear--and then, one begins to, for the first time ever, to actually be cable of love.

This is what we need so desperately now.  The ability to enter a moment completely and see it objectively on its own terms, unbiased, undistorted by the ego erecting scaffolding to hold the observer high on a tower of distain.  And this is what Steinbeck teaches us.  We are part of the tidepool, and the tidepool is whatever we make of it.  The better we understand it, the less likely we will unwittingly do permanent harm.  We are at a place in history where we definitely need to learn to do less harm.  The tidepool has been pushed to its limits.  We either learn to live together, or we learn to vanish together (at least in this realm).  It is time to enter the moment and at least attempt to understand it before it's too late.  Anyone who preaches separateness, division, and hate is a false-prophet--petroleum to our shared water, Earth.  We are far too connected now to ever make it alone on our own.  There is no us against the world.  The world is crammed full of only us--not only us humans, but us, everything.  We are either here all together, or we will soon be all together not at all.   It's so simple, so real, so scary--which is why the world is seeking desperately anything but this moment.  There is a reason almost every big movie in the last twenty years is a comic strip or a fantasy.  There is a reason we are glued to our computers, our phones, our virtual "lives".  We are a species that thinks we can survive by feasting on denial.  Although we can't, of course.  We can't.  Sooner or later, we will be forced to engage in the moment and the world we collectively created, and together we will reap what we've sown.  And the judgement will be our own because denial always has its end.  When that hits with force, it's a brutal blow.   

However, when we cultivate being in the moment, on our own, and see those ties that unite and bond us together in a shared fabric and future, there is a transcendent release of the I, that selfish iron grip of the ego that proclaims that we are separate and superior to those around us, ant that release in turn allows us to empathize, and through that empathy perhaps create common solutions, which, because of our numbers, are the only options at this point that have a chance of working.  And we need those options to work.  Oh, how we need them to work.  Like never before.

Steinbeck doesn't necessarily provide the solutions, but he does give us the tools to start earnestly looking, which starts with entering a moment completely, and simply observing a stink, a grating noise, a quality of light, a tone, a habit, a nostalgia, a dream objectively and compassionately as is possible.